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Sincere Sexual Satisfaction In Your Marriage

Helping Marriages in Conflict!

I. How And Why Did Sex Begin?

A. Sex began with God.

1. Sex was God’s idea. We did not dream this up!

2. Genesis 1:27 & 2:24

3. Why is this point so important? Because some religious people have the idea that this was never God’s idea.

4. Some think that maybe man dreamed this up. That God looked over the balcony of heaven into the garden of Eden and said, “Oh, Good Night. First the apple and now this!”

B. Sex is God’s divine process to implement His command to multiply a godly heritage.

1. How was man supposed to do this? Read Genesis 1:28

2. Multiplying was his command, sex was the process for carrying out the command.

C. Sex is God’s gift to man designed for our pleasure.

1. There are some who think that sex was God’s idea and intended for procreation but they are not comfortable with the thought that sex was originally intended for the pleasure it created.

2. Have you ever read someone else’s love letters?

Let’s look at King Solomon’s love letter to his wife. Let’s look and see how he did it. You might want to see how it compares to your letters to your wife. Evaluate yourself.

Read Song of Solomon 7:1-9

3. There are at least three observations we need to mention about this love letter and about his attitude towards his wife.

a. He begins the letter by praising her. Too often we criticize our partner and forget about praising them.

b. Notice He is romantic. He is verbal about it and expresses his affection.

c. Notice the fact that even though he praises her and is romantic he is still a guy and largely focused on the physical.

4. If you boiled down this letter and outline it what does it reduce to: I like your hips, I like your breasts, I like your belly button.

5. Let’s steam open another envelope. This is Solomon’s wife's response to her husband.

Read Song of Solomon 5:10-16

6. Let’s look at some observations from her love letter.

a. She is aggressive. When her husband expresses his desire for his wife she is not just sitting saying, “Yes, hear. Yes, dear.” She expresses her desire for him in return.

b. Notice she is whole brained. She is focusing on the whole person.

Solomon begins with nice feet, nice hips.

She begins with the head. He is wholly desirable. This is my friend.

She is focusing on the entire person.

From this we conclude the next point:

II. A Satisfying Sex Life Is The Result Of A Satisfying Marriage Relationship.

A. A couple can have a growing, satisfied, marriage relationship when they place value on three things:

1. They must create companionship.

a. Song of Solomon 5:16b

b. Friendship, real companionship.

c. Someone said, “A friend is one mind and two bodies.

d. As we age, maybe that is one of the key factors in marriage is that we have a close friend.

2. They must have lasting commitment.

a. Song of Solomon 8:6a

b. We want more than just a friend. We want a committed friend. Someone who will be there through thick and thin.

3. They must have deepening passion.

a. Song of Solomon 4:9; 5:4b

b. Passion is the unique element of marriage.

c. Now when you have all three: companionship, commitment, and passion together, this creates the environment where sex can be all that it was ever meant to be.

B. Therefore, companionship, commitment, and passion combine to create an environment where the sexual relationship can flourish.

1. A gardener does not grow plants, he creates an environment so they can grow properly.

2. The same way with a marriage relationship: If you create an environment with companionship, commitment, and passion and stimulate all three then the sexual relationship will flourish.

III. Sex Is Like A Thermometer Than Can Measure Your Individual Well-Being And The Health Of Your Relationship.

[ ] What is the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat?

Which would you use to turn the temperature down in this room? A thermostat.

[ ] What do you do with a thermometer? Basically nothing. You just look at it. It measures the heat or the coldness that is already there.

[ ] This is one of the problems in our society today. They are teaching that sex is a thermostat. And if you will learn the right approach you can use it to fire up the heat. BUT THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. SEX IS A THERMOMETER. NOT A THERMOSTAT.

It registers the heat or coldness that is already there.

A satisfying sex life is the result of a satisfying relationship.

[ ] Since sex is a thermometer, then I can use it to take a reading of my relationship.

A. Since sex is partly physical, partly mental, and partly emotional, it can reflect your individual well-being in any of these areas.

1. Sex can be affected by your physical condition.

a. Fatigue

b. Diet

c. Exercise

d. Pregnancy

e. Dysfunction

If you are having trouble in your sex life, maybe it is in this area of your life. Start with the simplest problems first.

2. Sex can be affected by your mental well-being.

a. Stress – this is a fast paced life. We need time to be in the mood.

b. Preoccupation.

c. Incorrect information – society gives wrong information about sex. James Bond movie.

3. Sex can be affected by your emotional health.

a. Abuse: verbal, physical, emotional, sexual

b. Unresolved anger: conflict, displaced, chronic – this is like toxic waste. It will eventually leak.

c. Guilt: real versus false

d. Self - worth

If you are plagued with a bad self-image, you are often self-centered. You focus on how you are doing, how you are looking.

The key to successful sex is being able to focus on your partner. When the focus is upon yourself, then that is when we have some problems.

So far the sexual thermometer has been taking a reading from ourselves but not let’s look at taking a reading from our relationship.

B. When a marriage has a problem in companionship, commitment, or compassion, then the sexual relationship may register the problem.

1. When a relationship lacks companionship, sex will often lose it’s meaning.

Lesson: Remember sex does not replace companionship.

To a woman, companionship must be first or sex means nothing.

A tendency for a man is if he is asked do you love me, he says, “Let me show you how much I love you.”

The woman’s response is, “No. First you show me that you love me apart from sex and then when we are involved sexually then I will know what you mean by it.”

Sex was meant to be a communication.

I am sure all of us here know that sex can be a deep and rich and meaningful act or it can be hollow, superficial, and meaningless.

Sex is like a telephone. It never said anything to you. But it makes it possible for someone to communicate through it to you.

In sex there can be a message coming through or there may be on one on the other end of the line.

2. When a relationship lacks commitment, sex can seem risky and vulnerable.

It is in the commitment that we show our mate that they gain their sense of security and they gain the freedom to open up. To be vulnerable or the person they really are.

3. When a relationship lacks passion, sex can become routine.

Passion should drive us to be more creative. Not always.

In the book, Sign Language, he says that when it comes to sex, men are like firemen. For men, sex is always an emergency.

IV. You Can Improve Sex In Your Marriage By Understanding The Difference.

A. First look at the differences between men and women.

In some cases, men and women are just the opposite.

Case in point. I talked to BS two or three weeks ago and he told me he was the romantic one and not his wife.

 

MEN

WOMEN

ATTITUDE

Physical
Compartmentalized

Relational
Wholistic

Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath. Have a fuss. Get your own toothpaste. Get in bed. Pull up the covers. Turn out the lights. Deafening silence. Wife says, “Can you just go to sleep?” She hears from my side of the bed. Snoring. He is asleep.

How can a man do that? Because he is compartmentalized.

Look inside the male brain and you find a series of cardboard boxes. Each one has a different label. Wife, food, work, hobby. Fight, sleep. At the end of they day, you take down the sleep box and put up the fight box in it’s place.

This is why a man can want to be intimate with you even if you just had a serious fight. And the woman says, “how can you do that!!” He says, “Easy.”

In the female brain all you find is one box. It says LIFE.

Men are STIMULATED by sight.

 

MEN

WOMEN

STIMULATION

Body-centered
Sight
Fragrance
Action

Person-centered
Touch
Attitude
Words

That is why when a man goes to bed he gets there 15 minutes before his wife. He cannot think of anything else to do. Brush your teeth, take off your clothes, get in bed. Watch your wife undress. Don’t try the same great pleasure to your wife. She will throw you a towel. Rambo like body.

 

MEN

WOMEN

NEEDS

Respect
To by physically needed
Physical expression

Respect
To be emotionally needed
Intimacy

Intimacy takes time. A woman needs time.

Looking at your wife at the dinner table and you get the urge. The woman is saying, “WHY? This is dinner.”

Men do not have the answer to these questions. These things just run on tracks of their own.

But the man thinks tonight will be the perfect night, and he has to communicate this to his wife in front of the children.

Use the agreed upon signals. Desperation. Tap the hand, or foot. Sorry son. Pass it down to your mother.

She agrees. Now you try to speed up the night.

Now you have to get the kids ready for bed. Take baths, put away clothes, clean or dirty, toys pick up, pajamas, read to them, brush their teeth, say their prayers, drink of water, now go to potty, now they are empty, now they need another drink.
At last, we will close the door. Hug your wife. Then she says, “Let’s talk for awhile.”

That is the way women are wired.

 

MEN

WOMEN

SEXUAL RESPONSE

Acyclical
Quick excitement
Difficult to distract

Cyclical
Slower excitement
Easily distracted

Acyclical is a fancy word for any time, any place.

Cyclical means women may be more responsive at different times of the month or day.

Men are difficult to distract like a freight train because we are compartmentalized. When we take that box off there is no shelf.

Women are easy to distract because they see all and know all. Is the door locked? Is there a faucet dripping in the next block?

 

MEN

WOMEN

ORGASM

Shorter, more intense
More physically-oriented

Longer, more in-depth
More emotionally-oriented

This has been the differences between men and women.

Now:

B. Look at the differences between perspectives.

1. Depending what you focus on determines your attitude toward sex.

2. We look at sex in different ways.

3. We have talked about companionship, commitment, and passion.

And you probably look at sex through one of these lenses.

When you focus on...

Your attitude toward sex tends to...

COMPANIONSHIP

be tender and pleasurable.
be an expression of the overall relationship.
begin with conversation and time together.

COMMITMENT

be deep and meaningful.
be the most profound experience of life.
be a very serious thing.

PASSION

be fun.
be explosive and impetuous.
be playful and passionate.

4. There is nothing wrong with any of these perspectives. What you have to understand is that your perspective may be different, so be understanding of your mate.

a. The wife may say he takes sex so lightly.

b. The husband may say she always wants to talk.

Here is the key to SINCERE SEXUAL SATISFACTION:

C. We must learn to accept and enjoy the differences we have in our marriage relationship, then our sexual relationship will flourish.

V. There Are Three Ways You Can Improve Sex In Your Marriage.

A. Cultivate the Companionship.

1. Plan romantic times together.

a. Do activities together that you both like.

b. Plan a weekly date.

What is dating? It should not be something to do just to get married.

It should be something you do to build a relationship.

2. Practice tenderness to your companion.

a. Discover non-sexual ways of expressing affection.

b. You can learn to touch affectionately. 25 ways or 3

3. Learn to communicate effectively together.

a. Choose activities that will force you to talk.

b. Did you see the perfect man’s greeting card?

“I want to tell you how I really feel!!”
“I really feel fine, thanks.”

B. Build the commitment.

How do we build the commitment?

1. Through faithfulness and respect.

a. Experience trust together.

b. Maintain a healthy attitude toward your partner.

c. Maintain a healthy attitude toward sex.

This emphasizes that I have a healthy attitude toward you.

Our focus should not be I love sex but I love you. No one wants to be the means to an end. We want to be the means.

2. Through forgiveness.

3. Through spiritual commitment to God and each other.

This is demonstrated through:

a. Unconditional love.

We love without conditions.

This is very important as the years go by because our bodies really do change.

Chest of drawers syndrome sets in. Your chest is now your drawers.

b. Selflessness.

C. Keep the fire of passion burning.

How can we do that:

1. Make passion a priority in your planning.

It may seem a little cold to plan an intimate time.

In our day if we do not schedule things in our day it just will not get done.

Plan a night. On the T nights.

2. Make a commitment to have a mutual fulfilling sex life.

I Cor. 7:3, 4

We are all students of what we like. Become a student of your mate.

3. Make time for creativity.

a. Seek to find a creative setting.

Keep the bedroom uncluttered with your junk.

Get a lock for the door.

b. Seek different creative approaches.

Take a bubble bath together. This is a seminar on intimacy, not hygiene.

Buy your own bubble bath. Not the kids' Mr. Bubbles. Not the ivory liquid from the kitchen.

Candles.

Foot and body lotion.

CONCLUSION

Three very important principles to remember:

1. Sex is not an end. It is the means to an end.

2. The end we desire is a marriage relationship filled with companionship, commitment, and passion.

3. A satisfying sex life is the direct result of a satisfying marriage relationship.

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